The heartbreaking, gut wrenching, realization you had no clue. Not one iota of the inner self was ever shared.
I did not watch all Anthony Bourdain shows from the beginning; I became a fan over time. I wrote my initial thoughts the day he died.
Now there has been a day to let the news (begin to) sink in.
I can only speak for myself, still I wonder if it is true for anyone who has worked through the thoughts of ‘do I” or “don’t I” off myself today, hearing about any suicide is impacting – or at least a bit of a kick in the gut.
There is the anger that might be as much jealousy as some kind of indignant rage.
Bourdain has relief.
Every ache and every nightmare comes back to mind – in sharp focus once again to haunt.
The dull numbness is still there too, the take it all in stride survival mode, that keeps life pumping through veins by making it easier to put one foot in front of the other through a ‘I don’t feel a thing’ mask.
I was blessed to learn to allow sadness, and give myself permission to allow myself to feel sadness. There is reason to be sad – this is not depression. Why blame depression? And to confuse sadness with depression only pushes pharmaceuticals onto people and that is “sick”.
I remember a country doctor say to me 1,000 years ago, ‘oh, you have depression, take this pill’. My G-d the pill brought on hysterics, anxiety and an intense desire to kill myself. I moved on without his pills – and survived.
Jump 1,000 years later and reflect back on that earlier time and the diagnosis of depression and I recall my life. My marriage broke up, my children would not be living with me, and this all came about moving to a place where there were people who were breaking the law, bullying neighbors and taking anything they wished from anybody caught alone for a moment.
I ran to a co-worker’s for safety a day when I was alone. My kids were with their grandmother, and from the apartment – I ran terrified. For my trouble I was ostracized and might as well been left for dead.
This is not depression, this is sadness.
1,000 years later there is also still the rage.
For the sake of what? I wonder if the human thing to have done would have been to shoot and kill the ugly neighbors.
This time in my life had not exactly been the source of suicidal thoughts but the icing on the cake, which I could no longer eat or have.
I never stopped trying to do stupid thing for years to come; suicidal behaviors come in all shapes and sizes, disguised in many forms.
Bourdain’s story began to be tweaked within a few hours of the news. There was first this cryptic picture his girlfriend (of two years) posted on social media just hours before he killed himself. The picture of her in a ripped t-shirt that had ‘f’ everybody (or something like that) – with a note: ‘you know who you are”. Was the who, him? The girl friend quickly removed that post and then wrote about him being ‘her protector’.
In one of his personal interviews he spoke about a grueling schedule – and I thought this is stupid. Dd the greed burn him and so many others out? Neither he, his agents or the network has any real smarts if they burned out… oops – Of course its CNN, the greedy ratings hounds – I forgot – of course they might have driven him into the ground.
Maybe his suicidal behaviors were his allowing the show to consume him?
Who the F knows, and who cares?
Suicide does bring up stuff for some folks, and has done its number on me.
I guess ‘the’ hotel room will become the Bourdain room. Can we know his last meal? See this interview of him naming his last meal. Is that what he ate?
Will there be a show hosted by Anderson Cooper – the last days of Tony Bourdain?
Anderson can walk around Paris touring all the last known spots Bourdain visited and can speculate what he was thinking. Oh, this is so very sad. I want it to be a hoax – fake news. Maybe he wanted to run away and not be bothered again by the entire world. Maybe he has faked his death, a great plastic surgeon has changed him and he is moving to where ever he wants and no one can hurt him any more.
I have not been to Paris. Maybe at this point in my life I would have to go alone. Like if you went to Paris with someone who had been there before – like with a girlfriend – maybe this companion’s previous experiences might put a damper on this virgin visit to the city of lights. Instead of the ‘city of lights’, it’s the city of ‘sloppy seconds’.
And now its the city of suicide. The Tony in Paris show. A suicide watch show. Sadness would consume the ambiance of Paris now and forever.
It has still not sunk in. How selfish? How dare he? It’s none of my business – but how dare he give his interviews and talk about fatherhood as if he was speaking non-fiction?
There is also the hanged and hung himself problem. Right out of the gate the reporter was saying, “Anthony Bourdain was found dead this morning he hung himself”. Hanged.
Bourdain hanged himself. I can’t even.
If you need help for your self or another please ask for help. You can call 1-800-273-8255 these people – and see their website here
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
International visitors
http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
Marionetta Strung-Out 
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