The WASP in me killed the Native American in me. The Middle Eastern Arab in me sold into slavery the African in me. The German Lutheran in me killed the German Jew in me. The English in me killed off and ran off the Irish Catholic in me. Saint Paul kills my soul with original sin and guilt and I can’t kill myself for fear the pain continues, suicide can never be my solution; I believe Paul.
Divide and conquer. Do not go to each others’ churches. Do not mix. You might become a mongrel.
So, say I could choose to leave and was given the ability to go and leave these United States in shame of the genocide and enslavement and everything else. Where would I go? I knew, grew up with, several whites who would not have called me pure white anything and that is no one’s problem but my own. I certainly do not belong in any of the other race groups or types groups, or national groups, and in this day and age in America no groups are taking new members, anyway.
I read the most wonderful essays and I loved them, a bit of a bite to them, none the less, they are great and true points – important points, unlike my hysterics over memories of my other privilege.
“…I am not burdened that people not of my ethnicity will appropriate the spirituality and religion specific to my community and justify it with arguments that everybody has a constitutional right to practice whatever religion they choose…”
I share the link below to the writing of Dina Gilio-Whitaker, a Native American. She also shared where the term “white privilege” came from and then she writes her thoughts of “settler privilege” and “settler fragility”.
The whole thing kicked me in the guts again over my puny life. Certainly based on skin shade and those first glance assumptions and based on location I have benefited from white privilege and settler privilege. I have certainly tried to turn away from the fragility and been willing and able to work toward change from my teenage years, through the 50 years in-between, some of the time – sometimes too cowardly to advance any cause. But to want change and willing to work for it, I am the choir.
I wrote once, lets say how much awful we could take in our lives was judged by some weight or something. Let’s say I have only a measly one pound of difficulty and another person has 2 pounds of difficulty and another has 10 pounds. If the breaking point is a half a pound, we are all down and out. Should I shut up about my one pound in the face of the devastating two-pound or ten-pound hells my brothers and sisters have to carry?
Oops maybe it is not right to say brothers and sisters here either. The writer of the essay (that I am seriously saying I loved and made me think and also made the keyboard smoke), points out a few issues, like, there is an issue about some people taking up someone else’s religion.
Geez, made me burst into tears. Not that I ever thought of joining in any tribal spiritual path as my new religion – it is just how religion has hurt me. It is how my mother was one religion and my father was another religion. Laugh, as I am sure some might, to hear that my mother, Shirley, was Roman Catholic, and my father, Sam, was fundamentalist Protestant, and some, or many might think, so they are both Christian, so what? But no, they might as well be atheist and Martian for all one accepted the other in my American Bible-Belt South world. Semi-shaded Yankee Catholics did have a fit-in issue in Alabama WASP world.
Which of the many religions should I become, or the sects of those religions? Which country shall I go back to? I am one of those poor white trash in many parts.
I could go back and claim right of return in Catholic Ireland, boy I bet that will go over like a lead balloon. Maybe apply to the arrogant English that ran off those Catholic inferiors, and while they were at it pushed out the Scots Irish who learned from their oppressors to be some nasty pieces of work.
With my wee tiny bit of Native American maybe I could apply for asylum but since we cannot identify which tribe my mother’s ancestors were from in Quebec then I doubt I will have much of a case there. I certainly have a wee smidgen also of Middle Eastern Arab and quite a bit of Eastern European Jew so would you send me some where I might be killed on sight in one place by one side, and killed on sight in the other place, by the first?
And leaving in the shame and disgrace, even though a portion of me is after the fact of the evil deeds here, shall I go back to the Lutheran territory of Germany returning as either my Catholic ancestor who was run out, or the Jewish ancestor who was run out?
Here in America, the white problems and settler problems are seen and heard and known. I lived in Asia 4 years and the Middle East for 3 and outside US another 10 years in Canada. In Asia it is not white and black, or white and brown, it is brown and brown and if one wants to continue around the world in colors, but I doubt Asians will like their being referred to as yellow – but in Hong Kong it was certainly Yellow Privilege when it came to many wishing (more like begging) to work in HK.
In the Philippines there were at least three shades of brown – lightest, medium and darkest. There was also, as in some areas of and around the Andaman Sea, I also read about, looking at the people not in color of brown to brown but judging whether straight hair or curly hair; both the populations were brown.
Oh G-d, shoot me now, give me Kool-aid.
Folks also must read Keith Richburg’s book, Out of America, A Black Man Confronts Africa. He was scolded by many sides I hear for his writing, but I was moved by what I have been able to finish of his global view, his valiant attempt to understand these problems in an expanded view as a human problem – a problem between strangers and friends. His work is also one of those that brings up my pain, there are sections I stepped away from – for now.
The push of people, the migrations. Particularly the last 2,000 years – oops the last 20,000 years – wave after wave of peoples coming from the north from the south and east and west.
Our cousin’s ancestor’s marriage record from Spain has pages and pages of letters of verification that the bride had no Moorish blood. It reads like a court investigation might read of statement after statement to verify no Muslim was in her ancestry.
Waves of Jews were sent to Central America and Mexico (and The US south) from Spain and Portugal, not to mention countless European mixed peoples that are added to the ancestries that — with the Southern Native American heritage — make up the immigrants coming from south of the border.
But the essayist suggests offering refuge and welcome for the push of immigrants coming from the south but not the settlers of the same mixture from the US American South. Those two groups, like many “Americans” today, are in fact the same mix of heritages — just different proportions of those people in each group in this melting pot of humans. Every continent is a melting pot of humans, just some more than others, longer than others.
Waves of humans are coming again, it is like the Borg are coming and all will be assimilated. The population explosion of life has already surpassed anything imaginable, it just might take longer in one place than another to reach – much of the earth is on the move, as it always has been.
I don’t want the native religion of human sacrifice. And for some of the current new age movements of the Native religions, I thought those “open” groups were money making concerns by entrepreneurs. The Native religion of mammon and the countless big houses of worship see the Native Americans advertising and hoping people will join their religion and give money to all the casinos; no objections there to outsiders being welcome. Better than the snake handlers from my neck of the woods, but both will kill you if you become addicted.
Yes there is lots of complicity; as far as I am concerned everybody is complicit. This is torment and there is no getting around it. They do not want to know us and many of us do not want to know them. We are even. I want Kool-aid.
It was one of those one – two punch things, what is that phrase? Besides this religion’s voice of rejection, I saw we would have a glorification of suicide marathon for Thanksgiving – The Tony in death, Anthony after death show is running again – from 4pm EST Thanksgiving – to glorify suicide? This maniac producer, TV big shot whatever, of NBC that helped to make Trump, and then as he said, Trump can’t win without CNN, and Trump has CNN and every other news source. Everyone except The Weather Channel – thank G-d, for The Weather Channel. But G-d forbid the powers that be notice and TWC will be forced to have climate unbelievers to tell their side of natural climate change.
Freezing cold and throughout Thursday’s Thanksgiving evening marathon, I will be able to wonder if Anthony Bourdain suffered? See him there in my mind’s eye kicking as the life drained out, did it take long? Will it hurt? Is hanging better than jumping or freezing to death? I just am not certain every show should not have a suicide helpline – to glorify suicide?
I am envious of anyone who can say they belong to any group. Envious of any identity that is a certain identity, one that can be claimed as one’s own. Envious of the seeming relief of suicide and the relief from torment of the guilt taught by Saint Paul and the guilt of being any color, any place, this century or last. Tormented over the evil wrought by mankind 500 years ago and 1,000 years ago.
Who were my Native ancestors? Maybe I should go to Quebec. The amount might be small but this is nearest my current location for any heritage. I wonder if i can at least find out if I am the first wave of Native Americans or the second wave of Native Americans. Did the first wave and the second wave get along? The latest DNA studies seem to show the two groups are linked and yet another study seems to show the oldest culture of peoples on earth outside of Africa are the Australian peoples.
The question for me is, how do peoples of the nice group walk away from mental war and unite? Privileged or not. It is not getting better it is worse. One set of peoples don’t want you in their old church while they push you to join their new church. Another set of peoples won’t have you in their church and in fact you might hope those folks never learn you are alive.
Divide and conquer. – Who all are complicit? – Who all are the collaborators?
Blame and fault.
I worked in a southern cemetery for 4 years, there were a few Protestant sections and a few Catholic. There were sections for reform Jews and another section for orthodox. There were a couple of sections for poor folks and poorer folks. There was a fight and a court order to allow African Americans, and once that was done the groups remixed a bit but for the most part the groups still flocked together.
The white privilege is true, the settler privilege is true and we can talk about it if anyone likes, I have never minded. The fragility is true of course, that must be all peoples of the earth, at least the human ones. Hearts are broken and people are dead and dying. The sad lesson is: Stay apart and leave each other alone and don’t join each other’s churches. I know that story, I learned that one in Birmingham in the 1960s.
Like Mr. Bourdain questioned the influence of the world coming to Bhutan and ruining the culture, their happiness, the First Lady tried to teach us about many people being tormented and killed. I rant and rave: Why do all this stuff only around the wider world? Why can’t we all find a way to help each other at home. Like Keith Richburg tried to tell about how grateful he was and how the added perspectives raised awareness in him. Like I am grateful for… to be continued.
I do find it ironic that the followers of the great spiritual religion that says we are one with the cosmos — the Great Spirit’s religion for whom spirituality is named — the religion that says we are all one with — and at peace in — the universe, these people are dead set against any war-mongering lost souls ‘getting’ their religion.
Today the struggle continues, the demand of one person to say, do not worship my G-d or revere my religion, while another wishes to impose his will, impose his beliefs, impose his G-d.
“…John Allen Chau was killed by North Sentinel islanders who apparently shot him with arrows and then buried his body on the beach, police say…”
Chau might have infected these people with any number of bugs – strange cooties, leaving them with fevers to death and to destruction. Humans, I am ashamed, as I should be.
Mamma, and there are others in these pages – Mamma and others. DNA for Genealogy.
To Cherie Lynn’s Herstory
Of Colors, What Is Left Of Mamma To Test
(Countless ages of no one making peace, millennia it will go on)
A magnificent, wonderful, glorious story of returning. I will make myself not be jealous – but let my heart swell with joy for reclaiming life.
“…Being able to visit sites where ancestors lived, she said, “it’s like you’ve finally come home. You walk on these lands — I don’t know how to describe it other than it’s a great satisfaction in being able to return there and put feet on the land and hear what it has to say to you.”…”
The chief had added:
“…Having a central property helped anchor the tribe. Its numbers had steeply declined, Richardson said. Today, about 120 members still live in the area near Tappahannock, and another 120 or so are in other parts of the country. But more have fallen off the rolls, and the chief hopes the new efforts will give them a home to which they can return…”
Please join us in testing DNA. Bottom line… you want the Family Finder test.
https://www.familytreedna.com/group-join.aspx?Group=FrenchBroadRiverFamilies
Great reads from the two authors who inspired these thoughts this day.
Part 1
Part 2
Also
Link to PDF of Peggy McIntosh’s original White privilege essay
And
We are learning more and more about the truths of our many African ancestries
and
For the life of me, I cannot find the roughly two minutes at the end of Bourdain’s show. He has a one on one with the camera and all but says he is going to kill himself. I am so sorry I watched it, I still feel the pain. it was like he could not take one more minute of seeing a world become homogenized, used destroyed. He loved culture cultures so much. He had so much work left to do. Next health food and save the humans which would save the animals and the planet (and he had the power to do that) and then I had hoped he would discover and uncover and reproduce the food of the ancient past.
I began writing Cherie Lynn’s Great Dishes of The World in the late 70s with the idea that it would be published – one of my publishers was Asia Magazine and in 1984 they printed my ideas for 2 years. Today there is as much responsibility in writing as there was then.
My first columns began with the last paragraphs as an add-on called, And To Drink…
The first thing that happened was half the booze distributors in town sent goodie boxes by the case. I was appalled and more appalled when I was told they could not be returned. I cut the section out – like a Cancer swiftly being removed. Alcohol is a depressant and in hind sight I wonder if he was not worked to death worked to a state of booze haze depression.
The internet is aflame with stories of Bourdain performing a death ritual in his show on Bhutan. – I can’t find the few minutes section as a stand alone and I can’t find at all the last few minutes that CNN showed where Bourdain spoke one on one with the camera for several minutes in the eerie goodbye – if anyone locates those words on video again, please let me know.
I guess I have to watch them again, I want to make sure I understood him correctly – I might have misunderstood – what the f-k was he thinking?
Bhutan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXF1FOJB3qU
Kenya
For Mamma:
Our Colors ~ That Is My Mother You Are Talking About.
Marionetta Strung-Out 
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